Published September 2020
The Pandemic of Bad Parenting
by Clockwise Cat
“Seriously if teachers don’t want to teach right now then they should be fired” — Actual parent quote
Dear (Pandemic-Denying) Parents,
Let’s just get this out of the way: Parenting might not be your forte.
After all, you are vehemently screaming for your kid to be back in school, with thousands of others, during a raging pandemic.
You would rather send your kid into a microbial war zone than keep him or her at home to stay safe from this vicious virus. So we are thinking it may be time to find another hobby. It seems that being a mommy or daddy is not working out for you.
Oh sure, when you considered having children, you didn’t anticipate a pandemic.
But surely you did anticipate that parenting would be difficult, and that unforeseen things could happen?
Or were your children not planned?
What happened — did the condom break?
Or did you shun condoms just like you shun masks? After all, condoms don’t prevent pregnancy any more than a mask helps contain a virus, right?
Suddenly, parents, you’ve become very fond of the African saying: “It takes a village to raise a child.”
Never mind that you hated that saying when it was first widely uttered in the United States back in the 90s, because such community-oriented aphorisms reeked of “socialism.”
But now you’ve found that socialism can be very convenient, like when you need your children back inside taxpayer-funded schools.
However, there is another saying you might not be aware of: “In a pandemic, it’s more reasonable for the parents to keep the child home so that the village doesn’t get destroyed.”
But excuse the digression, because clearly teachers are being selfish anti-socialists by wanting to stay safe from a viral threat that could maim their organs for life — or, you know, kill them and whatnot.
Now, parents, we did hear you say that your boss might fire you if you don’t come into work. The implication is that you need the babysitting offerings — with a side of education — that schools serve up while you toil mindlessly away in your corporate cubicle.
Never mind, of course, that you could have been advocating all along for better social welfare — after all, the governments of many other countries have actually paid parents to stay home with their children, enabling them to later send their children back to to school more safely during the most serious global pandemic in a century.
And these other countries also have universal healthcare.
Naturally, you could have been advocating for universal healthcare instead of screeching at your local grocery clerk for kindly requesting you cover your face so that you don’t spew your viral particles all over the place — you know, from that very same virus that you delusionally downplay, the one that you picked up at your local restaurant that loudly and proudly defied social distancing protocols in order to pack in as many science-haters as possible.
Remember, parents: Socialism is only convenient when you need it.
But fret not! If your asshole boss fires you because you could not afford the childcare that other countries provide for free, there are jobs aplenty.
Hell, you could sign up to be a sub in your local public school! They’d be happy to have you as the bodies of teachers pile up in the hallways because the local coroners are too overwhelmed to handle them.
Just kindly step over the corpse of your kid’s favorite teacher as you dance into your new domain of death.
In fact, not signing up to be a sub would be abandoning your community — and with your newfound socialist values, how would that look?
And think about it this way: As a sub, you can spy on the other teachers to make sure they are refusing to wear a mask, just like you!
And you can make sure they are also not forcing your precious child to wear a mask.
Masks, after all, impede kids’ lung growth, never mind that there are zero studies to back up that loony-tunes idea that you so fervently cling to anyway, because science is a subject they made you take in school just to pass the time. No one actually practices that stuff, not even doctors.
Plus, COVID-19 is “just a flu,” and we’ve been hacking up our lungs through influenzas for decades!
Forget statistics that say that COVID-19 is ten times more deadly than the flu. Obviously that’s just cooked-up nonsense, and the relatives of the nearly 200,000 dead within a five-month span are lying-liar socialist scum.
The relatives of the nearly one million dead across the world are also fabricating fools! Just where do they find these lying liars — in a Lying-Liar Factory?
Also, parents, we heard you say you want your taxes back because teachers are not really working during online learning.
We will send you your taxes back when you stop sucking up resources with your fuel-drunk vehicular monster and your sprawling McMansion in your exurban dystopia.
We think that’s a fair trade.
Another scenario we could consider is that we will send your taxes back when you yourself teach 180 kids online for a full semester — for free! After all, teachers don’t deserve to get paid during online teaching, right?
And since you say teachers are “not really working” when they teach online, this should be a breeze for you, so much so that you could even do it while teaching your own kid, since the schools are being so tyrannical in making kids stay home and learn safely during a pandemic that is increasingly infecting and even killing children.
Don’t you just hate when people try to help keep children healthy and out of harm’s way?
Anyway, parents, we think you MIGHT want to consider another vocation than parenting, since being anti-kid, anti-science and anti-teacher are not really conducive to being a good parent.
And if you don’t, then we say: You should be fired from parenting.
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