Terror Tour 2003 - Muse Apprentice Guild

Published 2003
Muse Apprentice Guild

Terror Tour 2003: Next stop, Columbus, Georiga

After the Taliban was busted sky-high out of its bunker, Americans just couldn't get enough of W's Wacky War against the Wicked. "What's the next stop on the Terror Tour?" they pleaded. "Iraq," lil' Georgie replied, jumping up and down and clapping his hands.

After all, lil' Georgie and his playmates reasoned, sanctions haven't managed to topple twisted ol' Saddam Hussein - all they've managed to do, really, is deprive a few thousand children of their daily feedings.

But you know how children are: they're robust, they're resilient, they'll bounce back. And once America deals head on with Saddam, those children will not only resume their daily feeding schedules, but they'll actually get to munch on Big Macs! Yum yum.

But I say, forget the Middle East: They'll blow themselves up soon enough. I say, it's time to focus on rooting out terrorists at home. I say, it's time to start bombing our own terrorist cells. I say, it's time for the government to start bombing itself. And it can get a good start in Columbus, Georiga.

For Columbus, Georgia, that famously fertile breeding ground for subversive activity, is home to a group of terrorists that make Bin Laden and his band of Turbaned Terrorists look like Mr. Rogers at an Elmo convention.

Columbus, Georgia, you see, is much more than just a scenic stretch of strip malls. Columbus, Georgia, you see, is where Fort Benning is based. And Fort Benning, you see, is home to the Western Hemisphere Institute for Security Cooperation.

The Western Atmosphere Corporation for whaaaaaa?

The Western Hemisphere Institute for Security Cooperation, silly. Don't you know a cover-up when you see one?
The Western Hemisphere Institute for Security Cooperation is the most recent euphemistic moniker for that terrorist training camp more affectionately known as the School of the Americas (SOA).

You know, the School of the Americas, the one that trained 19 of the 26 soliders responsible for the savage slayings of six Jesuit priests, their housekeeper and her young daughter in El Salvador in 1989.

You know, the School of the Americas, the one that trained the soliders who massacred 900 civilians in the El Mozote community in El Salvador in 1980.

You know, the School of the Americas, the one that has trained over 60,000 Latin American military in terrorist techniques in counter-insurgency and counter-narcotics tactics and whose graduates are consistently linked to some of the worst human rights atrocities in Latin America.

Yeah, THAT School of the Americas. The one that trains soldiers who have committed flagrant abuses in (drumroll please)... Argentina, Bolivia, Brazil, Chile, Colombia, Costa Rica, Ecuador, El Salvador, Guatemala, Haiti, Honduras, Mexico, Panama, Paraguay, Peru, Uruguay, and Venezuela.

Let's see, a smattering of recent reports: In Colombia, a paramilitary group led by SOA graduate Brigadier General Jaime Ernesto Albanhas has been found responsible for 2,000 forced disappearances and at least 40 executions since 1999. Also in Colombia (where more than 10,000 soldiers have attended SOA), SOA graduate Colonel Jorge Acevedo has been indicted for leading a gang that carried out a series of disappearances and murders. And in Guatemala, three SOA army colonels have been convicted to 30 years in prison for bashing the head of human rights champion Bishop Juan Gerardi with a cinder block.

The School of the Americas graduates have had illustrious careers in chainsaw massacres, electric shock torture, brutal kidnappings of children, . . . you name it, they've done it!

So I say we start bombing Ft. Benning in Columbus, Georgia. After all, the base harbors terrorists, and Bush has said that we need to target anyone who gives shelter to terrorists. After all, we need to be consistent in our Quest to Eliminate Evil.
But we'll stress to the good people of Columbus that it won't be a war against them. We'll emphasize that it won't be a war against their strip mall culture. For we do not hate the people of Columbus. Columbus residents are a peaceful group.

And once some of our stray bombs start killing innocent people in the strip malls of Columbus, we'll report them as the unfortunate but inevitable effects of a Good and Just War that Will Protect the Freedoms of All Americans. We hope the good people of Columbus will understand that when they see the limbs of their children flying through the air, it's all for the cause of Eradicating Evil.

And God will be on our side. "God Bless America Except for Columbus, Georgia," we'll croon at baseball games, hearts swelling with patriotic pride. And the stars and stripes banner, minus a star representing the state of Georgia, will soar from every homefront porch and SUV antenna. And red, white and blue tears will stream from our eyes.

But hold on just a minute, you protest, firmly gripping your copy of the New Testament autographed by Donald Rumsfield. Didn't you say that the SOA trains soldiers who commit atrocities in Latin America? I mean, what do we care about a bunch of chocolate-colored peasants who talk that Mexican talk? Can't they just take care of themselves?

Uh, why yes, certainly they can. But we can help them take care of themselves, by continuing to train soldiers who specialize in rape, torture, and murder.

In fact, why don't we just go ahead and skip bombing the SOA and bomb the whole of Latin America instead? You think Osama would help us crash a few 767s into their villages?

In fact, I bet he'll say yes, provided we help him rebuild his network of ne'er do-wells. We've done it before; doncha think it's time for an encore?

And then when we're all through terrorizing those wretched little brown people, Georgie can lead us in the chant of a beloved rhyme: Thank you, thank you Osama-I-am, I do so like you, Bin La-den!