What Should Pat Do? - Democracy Means You

Published 2005
Democracy Means You

What Should Pat Do?

Cuddly Christian curmudgeon Pat Robertson, he of 700 Club fame, has cultivated a true talent for making outlandishly controversial claims that incense more moderate-minded folk. But really, why shouldn’t Robertson get his way? He is, after all, part of God’s Elite Cadre of Preferred Customers. Who are we to deny him his divine right to serve the Great CEO in the Sky in whatever way he sees fit?

The following are some ways in which Robertston could serve God (TM) and make planet earth a happier home for us all:

Issue: Hugo Chavez assassination. Robertson audaciously called for the assassination of Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez - intimating that the CIA should “take care” of him, since the Chavez regime poses a threat to U.S. interests.

Solution: Robertson should assassinate Chavez himself, as an agent of that other CIA, Christians Into Assasination. Agent Robertson could simply ask God to send Jesus down for his long-overdue Second Coming - and tell him to make sure his son comes equipped with a few Heaven-manufactured semi-automatics. That way, Robertson would only tote the highest caliber Creator-sanctioned weapons, rather than those second-rate cheap imitations from earth.

So while Jesus is busily rounding up bigoted theocrats for the Rapture (anti-war and environmental activitists will of course be Left Behind, as there’s no room at Heaven’s Inn for such pollyanna peaceniks), Robertson will be on his Sacred Mission to assasinate a leader whose idea to use oil revenues toward healthcare and education is in demonically diametric opposition to Godly Values.

Issue: Hurricane Katrina devastation. Robertson has proclaimed the the reason for the catastrophic natural disaster Katrina was that New Orleanians were swimming in a sea of sin and debauchery. In other words, God unleashed his fury toward these Sodomites via a Category Five hurricane.

Solution: Before the next hurricane season, Robertson should clone himself and station his clones in the areas that are typically hurricane-ravaged. Roberston clones will purge the hurricane-threatened of all their gravest sins: where these Sinister Sinners once created multi-cultural grooves in the form of jazz and rock music as sensual soothing for the soul, they will now croon faux-gospel hymns that glofiy the virtues of a White and Vengeful God; where these Immoral Mortals once hedonistically celebrated their ˆearthly existence through street carnivals and other joyful bacchanalic festivities, they will now gather to solemnly partake in 700 Club viewings, where sin-free announcers call for the assassinations of world leaders, convert heathenistic Muslims into God-fearing Christians, tout charities like Operation Blessing that claim to help starving and AIDS-inflicted Africans while fronting for a lucrative diamond-mining business, and push for theocratic reforms that are sure to keep the pagan hoi polloi in line.

So you see, if Robertson strategically stations his God-approved clones throughout regions in the paths of God-created catastrophes, there will be no more Katrinas and Ritas to plunge us into the dark misery we would otherwise so manifestly deserve.

Issue: Dover, Pennsylvania’s rejection of Creationism. When residents of Dover, Pennsylvania, voted out school board members who attempted to impose Intelligent Design (aka Creationism) onto public school science classrooms, Robertson warned Dover
residents that they could no longer rely on God’s help. Robertson told Dover residents that perhaps they could call on Darwin to aid them in times of crisis.

Solution: Robertson should just bypass God and smite the Doverites himself. God is too busy to trifle with some Pennsylvania backwater like Dover; he has Negroes to drown in hurricane floodwaters, and ragheaded Koran-freaks to decimate in dusty deserts. God is too busy crooning sweet-nothings into George Bush’s tender ears, while little Georgie entertains erotic fantasies involving himself licking petroleum from the luciously tanned hides of Iraqi leaders and whipping Abu Ghraib prisoners with fat stacks of $1000 bills, culled from the profits of American oil companies.

In God’s place, Robertson should simply go v to Pennsylvania, round up all of the “Dover insurgents,” and beat them silly with New Testaments. If they still refuse to comply with God’s demands, then Robertson should bury them under mounds and mounds of Bibles, until they repent their wicked wrongdoing. If this doesn’t work, then Robertson should accuse them of being witches - after all, Darwinism is disguised devilry - and hang the heathens.

Issue: Ariel Sharon’s stroke. Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon recently suffered a stroke, and Robertson said the stroke was God’s retaliation for Sharon having pulled Israeli settlements out of Gaza. Gaza, Robertston claimed, was God’s land, and Sharon committed an offense against the Divine in conceding to Palestinian demands.

Solution: Robertson and his 700 Club co-workers should travel to Gaza in tanks, raze remaining settlements, and construct hundreds of 700 Club chu vrches. Judaism is blasphemous blather anyway, and naturally the Palestinians are vile vermin who deserve to be brutally oppressed by virtue of their sickening sub-human status. Christianity, on the other hand - specifically the fanatical evangelical brand practiced by Robertson and his kin - reigns supreme, and what better way to let the world know about Christian supremacy than by forcibly occupying a violently contested strip of land?

As is patently obvious, if Robertson acted on his Divine Guidance rather than simply flapping his lips, we lowly mortals would be infinitely happier for his selfless service to the Lord. After all, what God wants is not peace and love, but war and hate; not compassion, but oppression; not justice, but vengeance. And we would have Robertson to thank for leading us away from the misguiding light into the delicious darkness of God’s Kingdom.